Moment of Uncertainty

for everyone

This is my moment of uncertainty and I am covered with debris that was left when everything collapsed above me or within me. I thought I was ready for it until everything seems to blur in my horizon and all seems to gather around in my peripheral vision. I can’t hold on to something, all else fails to entice me and I am nothing but a walking cadaver; cold, uninspired and insensible.

There are suppressed feelings left unsaid and sweet motives undone. These confuse me if I will pursue it and just let the feelings float with any circumstances or deny it and just let time resolve everything. After all, I am numb.

Time flies speedily and at this moment, I haven’t got my chance to enjoy every second of it or maybe I was too busy to use every nanosecond that I have assuming that I got millions. I have my fair share of misused, unused and abused time and now I blame myself for wasting all those precious little moments. I could have got the most out of it and could have transformed

everything to memories that I can hold on to. I am the culprit of my own misfortune.

I never stop counting on what-ifs and could-have-been moments and/or chances and I lost count of all the time that I have turned my table to the opposites of what I want just to stress on having control over myself. I denied myself of the true feelings or motives to “show off” that I am venerable and mannered. I thought I was unadulterated for keeping my feelings but I have suffered from it when everything fails and what was left were memories that could have been more authentic and more meaningful.

There are some instances that I wanted to flash back and redo all that I have done or at least alter some choices or decisions that I have made just to pacify this inner disturbance that is eating up my entire system. Not that I let myself succumb to its effect, but I can’t deny its substantial existence in my

guarded space. I am aware of its coming but I never thought it could be this distressing.

I could have stayed a little longer when everyone else wanted to or at least bid goodbye properly. But I did not because I thought that time will permit me anytime or give me a million chances to do it. But I guess I was wrong and assuming and I lost my chances to my judgement. I could have just listened to my heart and not my mind, for once.

Pain is inevitable. Life lessons taught me to make the most out of the painful experiences that I had and make every moment according to my advantage. I have to rationalize everything to patched things up and never cried over spilled milk. I always thought that suffering is a choice. To feel pain is natural but to wallow in pain is not. But there is always an exception to everything because, these days, I can’t get out from the pit that concealed me. I did not

stumble, I was unconsciously buried.

To long for the presence of a love one is to feel the most unexplainable pain. To let pass your friends is to feel the most distressing pain. To feel them both

at the same time is to feel the out-of-this-world misery. And to not let it show is challenging, to say the least.

Time passed me and I was left with few things to rejoice and few things to reconcile for me and within me. Only time can reveal if I will assume the conscientiousness of merging every moments and visions to realistic conclusions or even to what I just felt and at the end effects will seem to blur in my peripheral vision and focus on my horizon.